I think I’m a mean person, and it’s incredibly discouraging

Hoo, boy, this one’s gonna be a doozy…

I’ve said many times over that I believe in the inherent good of all people, myself included. Regardless of our individual approaches, we’re all working towards some sort of happiness. It’s a whole ‘nother conversation about what methods are “acceptable” and whatnot, but I digress…

Inherently, I’m good, like I believe everyone on this earth is. As I’ve gone through these past few weeks, though, I’ve gotten to wondering: “is my inherent good making me outwardly good?” I’ve had proof the last few weeks to argue against that point. And I hate it. I’m sorry, but I do. There’s no getting around that fact.

I have clinical depression and anxiety, which means my mind and the conclusions it comes to are a bit different from those people who don’t have either illness. Long ago I accepted the fact that these mental illnesses will not only change the way I view myself, but also change the way I view others and their actions and words towards me. I dwell on things, I take things personally, I analyze every little detail of every little action, and, nine times out of 10, I come to bad conclusions. Whether they’re simply flawed in logic or straight-up insane conclusions to jump to, my mind tells me to, regardless.

So, in response to these terrible things my mind is telling me might happen, or in response to things I take personally and then WAY out of proportion, my wonky mind, despite being the reason I reached these conclusions in the first place, tries to pat me on the back and say “Don’t worry, Ryan, I’ll help you deal with this!”

“No!” my logical mind says. “Absolutely not, your ridiculous overthinking and fear-mongering is what got me to this mental state in the first place! I’ll deal with this logically, calmly, and with a level-head.”

Then my emotionally-overridden mind takes over. It pins me to a wall with nails. “I don’t think so, logic. We’re dealing with this MY way. Over-emotionally, overthinking, fearfully dealing with it.” And so it begins.

I’m mean to people.

I snap at them, I ignore them out of spite, I assume every little action is something in spite against me, I try to make my problems their problems, I scowl at them behind their backs, cut and dry, I’m a straight-up jerk to them, all to cope with my own messed-up way of thinking. So, I suppose that makes me selfish, as well. Great.

I won’t hide behind my depression and anxiety for all of this here – maybe this is just part of my personality, as well. I’d like to think not, because before either one of these illnesses manifested itself in me, I was actually a very pleasant person to be around. Regardless, even if I can attribute all of my “meanness” to my depression and anxiety, that isn’t an excuse.

I’m being 100% honest when I say it feels like these illnesses are pinning me against a wall with nails, telling my to deal with personal problems in unsavory ways. There are things I could do to deal with that, but even if there weren’t, what does it matter? I can certainly talk the talk –  I can tell you to be good to others, love yourself, understand you’re only human. But if I can’t walk the walk, what really matters, what good is it? I’ll say you should to be nice to an individual, and maybe the next day I go and snap at someone else for something that isn’t even their fault. I’ll say you should always be accepting of someone regardless of personal differences, but then later on put down someone’s viewpoint simply because it doesn’t line up with my own.

My point is this – I don’t think I’m a nice person. I can spout nice things left and right, and I can passionately believe them in my head and heart, but if I can’t apply what I “passionately believe” to my actions and attitude towards others, what good is it? It isn’t any good, I’ve found.

Maybe I’m inherently good. But I’m not good. I’m not sure I can convince myself otherwise.

– Ryan

 

Author: Ryan

23, Chicago, mentally all over the place.

5 thoughts on “I think I’m a mean person, and it’s incredibly discouraging”

  1. I know you’re a good person through and through, the way you’ve supported me and my blog since the beginning and shown me so much care and understanding proves this! Nobody can ever be pleasant to be around though 24/7 so don’t beat yourself up about it! We all have bad days and are sometimes ruder to people around us than we would normally be, but we’re human and we need space sometimes to be on our own! I know what you mean about taking everything personally and I totally do that too, I think it just comes with the territory of mental illness really. We put more thought into stupid little things that happen and ruminate over them until it’s some huge deal that didn’t even happen in the first place! Don’t be so hard on yourself- you are great.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I suppose. Yes, everyone has “bad days,” where they’re less pleasant to be around than other days, but my biggest gripe is that I feel I have those “bad days,” more often than not…the days where I’m rude, annoying, unpleasant, and frankly just a jerk. And yes, I know it’s the mental illness that’s causing this for me. But in my opinion, it doesn’t really matter at this point. If I end up ruining a bunch of my relationships as a result, who cares where it came from? The damage is done, regardless. But, I appreciate your support.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually believe the biggest evil in the world is judgments. When someone says something wrong on accident, people jump down their throat judging them and I see no judgments from you except when you judge yourself . Any other type of “meanness” I believe is a way to cope with your own issues. Now that doesn’t make it ok, because there are ways to deal with your issues and you can end up being ok with yourself and not have to snap at people, but for now you’re just trying to get by. You’re snapping at people because your head is telling you horrible things. Did you ask to have your thoughts and feelings? No. They just come to you, meaning that our brains are the real evil here. I don’t see you as bad or mean in any way, even if you do snap at people

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, the brains are the “real evil” here, I don’t disagree with that. My point is that, in the grand scheme of things, what difference does it make when it comes to MY relationships? My brain may be “making” me say these things, but the hard truth is that I’m still the one saying them, and my relationships are suffering as a result. I appreciate your support, as always. I’m just frustrated with myself right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I 100% completely understand. Sometimes I think of myself as extra horrible when I try to justify my horrible moments, but I do think when you think about it enough, the logic of your Brain making you say these things will kick it. Obviously you have the choice to do or not do what your brain wants you to do but I do understand you completely. Go easy on yourself! 🙂 I know that’s easier said than done though

        Liked by 1 person

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