My Soul Hurts

Hello, whoever might’ve stumbled across this. My name is Ryan, and as someone who has enjoyed writing for fun since middle school, it’s a bit odd that it took me until age 23 to start my own blog. Ah, well. Better late than never, yeah?

So why start a blog now? Long story short, it’s been a crap couple of weeks. Yeah, boo hoo right? See, I have depression. Clinical, not a “my internet was down, I’m so depressed” type deal. I’m fairly certain I’ve had it most of my life, but it really manifested in college, which now, looking back, I consider the Dark Ages…*shudder*
Anyway, it’s been years since depression has first made a sizeable impact in my life, and like many people with depression, it comes and goes in phases. I’ve seen multiple therapists, tried a bunch of different medications, even tried a month of outpatient counseling. Most of those things “worked,” persay, but there’s nothing that can cure depression. Nothing that can fill in that nagging hole inside your heart that tells you that you aren’t good-looking enough, or smart enough, or social enough. Sure, you can put a piece of duct tape over it for a bit, but it won’t last. And sometimes it feels like, even though you were sure it possibly couldn’t, that hole gets bigger and deeper and you feel it day after day.

I hate feeling like this. And I know that for the millions of people who also suffer from depression, I’m not alone. And that’s (part of) the reason I’m starting this blog. Part of me is doing it as a means of release, so yeah, there will be some fairly personal posts about my mindset, my feelings, my reasoning, etc. But another part of me realizes I’m not the only one who suffers from depression, and if I can do anything to prevent people from feeling the way I have been these past couple of weeks and other darker parts of my life, then I feel almost a moral push to help people by talking to them. Hearing them. Letting them know someone is listening and does care about them, even if it’s over a blog. You might have depression. Chances are, I may never meet you in my life. But that isn’t going to stop me from letting you know I’m here to talk, no matter how inane your problems may seem. I’m a stranger, but maybe I can be a stranger who makes your day a bit brighter.

To say that I’m going to post inspirational quotes and cheesy pictures constantly would be a complete lie. I’m all for cheesy inspiration and all that jazz. But this blog (as I see it playing out in my head at 4AM sitting in bed) will be a mix of personal experiences and some things about me, and posting whatever I think might help tumultuous minds like mine be eased, however little. Whether five people read my posts or five hundred, I’ll be here. 

You aren’t alone. Boy, girl, skinny, overweight, short, tall, black, white, there is someone like you, struggling with their own feelings. No matter what your mind tells you, you are worth something. Please, don’t forget that.