Living with Depression

There’s no cure for depression. A combination of prescribed medication and therapy can variably lessen the impact the illness has from person to person, but this is by no means a permanent solution. Clinical depression, in a much less detailed nutshell, is caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, particularly concerning serotonin and dopamine. Medication, as well as a healthy lifestyle and proper self-care, can help to regulate these chemicals, but that’s really all it can do. Now, it may feel like I’m starting this post off with a very direful mindset, but as my aim with this post is to address the realities of living with depression, I believe it’s important to be realistic and honest, as opposed to spouting motivational lies. But I promise, it isn’t as grim as it sounds.

Depression, like many other illnesses both physical and mental, is ever-present. Experts say it’s likely that at least 60 percent of those who’ve had a depressive episode will have a second, 70 percent of those who have had two episodes will have a third, and 90 percent of those who have had three will have a fourth. As the number of depressive episodes increases, so too does the likelihood of another. To clarify, depressive episodes are not the same as clinical depression as an illness – episodes refer to periods of time, lasting anywhere from days to months, in which one is suffering from depressive symptoms. In short, a multitude of depressive episodes are what make up clinical depression as a whole.

A statement from Thomas Franklin, M.D. speaks to me as being one of the most accurate representations of what depression is, anatomically speaking. He describes the illness as being biopsychosocialspiritual, meaning it oftentimes permeates every aspect of the life in one who’s suffering from it. Physical, mental, spiritual, social…depression can be informally considered an illness of any type. There is much we still don’t understand about it, and with time, research, and prayer, hopefully there will come a day where we can eradicate it altogether, but for now, we live with it as best we can.

In the Harry Potter series, according to author J.K. Rowling herself, dementors are a direct reference to clinical depression, mirroring her own experiences with it. For those who aren’t fans of Harry Potter (first off, why not?), dementors are ghostly, cloaked, disturbing creatures, who attempt to kill a person by literally sucking their soul out. Yikes. As morbid of a metaphor as this may seem, it is accurate, as those suffering from depression often have the joy “sucked out of them” by the illness, preventing them from enjoying life as much as they should. Whilst many who have depression may not claim that their soul is missing, it does seem important to note that life, the very thing that builds and strengthens our souls, is what’s being threatened by depression.

I would be remiss to sit here and claim that I know what depression is like for everyone. Every person is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually different, and the way depression affects each person is different in each of those ways as a result. For myself, depression is a creeping beast, ready to pounce when I least expect it. My depression is the almost eternal pessimistic attitude, and the devil on my one shoulder, though oftentimes it feels like it’s on both. My dementor ensures that only the happiest of moments can drive it away, and even so, it will oftentimes rear its ugly head after the euphoria has died down. My depression causes me to think about returning to my bed for a large chunk of the day, only to have me return to it at night, wide-eyed and worrisome for the next day.

bedtime
Credit: Jake Likes Onions

Accepting my depression is accepting that I will never be as comfortable in social situations as many others. Very rarely will I be the one to take initiative in much of anything, and logic will oftentimes fall to the wayside as my decisions are emotionally based on trying to lessen the impact of my depression in the present, as opposed to making decisions that will help me combat it in the future.

I’ve accepted my depression. I’ve come to (relative) peace with the fact that much of my life will be spent trying to live in harmony with it. The key is realizing that it doesn’t have to govern my life. Depression, by its very nature, is a condescending acceptance, a resigned sigh that things aren’t going to get better – if anything, it says that things will get worse. That’s what depression tells me, and all else who suffer from it. This is one of the plethora of lies it will heap on whoever unwillingly listens to it, another step forward in its job to make people’s lives worse.

Whether or not you believe medication makes things better, anatomically, it does help. From our very, VERY limited knowledge of depression, we can see prescribed medications make the numbers we want to go up, up, and the ones we want to see go down, go down. I’d be lying through my teeth if I told you if I knew what all of those numbers are, but from my own research and personal experience with psychiatrists, serotonin and dopamine are the two golden chemicals in this this regard. Our brains need certain amounts of each one of these to make us happy. Regulating these chemicals is key to combating clinical depression.

As any good doctor will tell you, though, popping a few pills isn’t nearly enough to avoid recurring depressive episodes. Having good mental health is a full-time job, and it includes balancing all aspects of your life. Depression makes this even harder, though, as the very likelihood of its existence is based on inadequate mental health management. This is why I cannot stress enough: if you need help, ask for it. Although the stigma surrounding asking for help has been dying over the past few years, there is still a strong mindset out there that believes asking for help is a sign of weakness. We’ve all seen the movies where the stubborn husband on a road trip refuses to ask a local for help because “real men don’t ask for directions.” Don’t be that person. Real men and women aren’t afraid to admit their hindrances, because they realize everyone has their own.

Notice I didn’t say “admit their faults,” there, as depression isn’t a fault, just like it isn’t your fault it you’re suffering from chicken pox. You clearly didn’t pick your genes out and say, “Ooh, depression? That sounds fun!” It’s not your fault, nor is it a fault in character. It’s an unfortunate character trait to have, sure, but that doesn’t make you worth any less. It’s a part of your life, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can learn to live with it, if not harmoniously, at least tolerably.

As with many posts I don’t sit down and plan out beforehand, this was a little all over the place, and for that I apologize. If there’s any one thing I’m trying to get across here, it’s to show how those who have depression can view the world, and broadly explaining how I believe the illness can be dealt with. Sure, there’s no cure for depression, but there are ways to live with it, and decrease the chances of its return once it lessens. There’s help everywhere, all you have to do is ask.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

Jealousy, Take Two

Oh, goodness, I haven’t written anything here in quite a while.

Since July, to be exact. I could give you the spiel of how I’ve been so terribly busy with work and…well, more work, but that’s probably not of much interest to you. But, for completion’s sake, I will say, I’ve started going into work much earlier than I had been used to, and I get home feeling like a zombie half of the time, so even when I say to myself, “Ooh, I’m gonna get home and write!”, any thought of that tends to exit my mind as soon as I see my beautiful, comfortable, incredibly inviting bed.

However, as I’ve been on this early morning schedule for some time now, my internal clock has (mostly) adjusted, and I hope to get back into the swing of updating this, at the very least, weekly. And so, as I’m here dog-sitting two adorable German Shepherds, I thought there’s no time like the present to get back into the swing of things. And so it is…

So, jealousy. I’ve done an entire post dedicated to this subject in the past, but being that it can be such a prevalent feeling in our lives (it certainly is for me), and given that I’ve felt jealously creeping into my own mind over the past few weeks, I thought it might be an interesting venture to revisit the subject.

Jealousy seems to be such a tragic facet of our first-world culture: They have something, I don’t have that something, I want that something and I’m bitter towards them for having it, bam, jealousy. For me, the feeling of jealously isn’t what’s inherently bad, it’s more so how it leads my mind to come to conclusions. When we’re intent on getting something someone else has, be it a material item or achievement, there’s often a thin line between what many call determination, and jealousy. The jealousy creeps in when we feel resentment towards others for having what we do not.

It seems that human society puts value on a great many things that, in the end, really don’t at all matter. Material possessions, achievements, titles. For some who get jealous over these things, it may be less of an arduous task to step back and say to themselves, “In the grand scheme of things, these possessions don’t matter. But what of things for which “want” could be argued? Marriage, children, a sturdy financial situation…some may argue jealousy is a healthy type of determination for these things, as love and a comfortable living situation are things all should strive for. If feeling jealous towards an individual or family that has these near “essentials” is the kick in the butt needed to get you working towards those things, can’t you argue for that bitterness? Doesn’t it help you more than harm you?

My own intuition says no. When jealousy is used as a motivator, it more often than not turns into a competition with another. I have the “healthiest marriage,” or the “best-behaved and loving children,” or “highest-paying job.” God knows we have an entirely too-competitive society already, so when we start to incorporate that competitiveness into our life goals, it turns our lives into finding contentment by simply being happy, versus finding contentment by trumping others. At the risk of sounding like I’m channeling the Dalai Lama, happiness should come from peace and contentment in ourselves, not from knowing we have the “best” anything of anybody.

Not to mention that if we fail in our jealousy-initiated competition, it only leads to more bitterness towards our “competitor.” “I wasn’t able to beat them out in having [insert possession/relationship/status here], so I’m going to be even more resentful towards them from now on.” I’m sure you’ve never consciously said this to yourselves, even in your mind, but the devil on your shoulder may plant that bug of revenge in your minds. Not that I support revenge in any sense of the word anyway, but this type of, “I-didn’t-get-what-you-have-now-I’m-bitter-and-resentful-towards-you type of revenge isn’t logical. If revenge is supposed to come from a place of somebody else actively working against you, how does revenge against someone who is just going about their life make any sense?

Like most negative emotions, jealousy also has a physical effect on you – racing heart, tensed muscles, even something more active such as staring the potential “competitor” down. Gone too far, a relationship built mostly on jealousy of another can spiral out of control, resorting to spying on them or their communications, or even going through their personal belongings. It goes without saying that these are destructive (and intrusive) habits.

My own jealousy becomes apparent when I notice my abdomen tensing up or my breathing quicken. I subconsciously flex my fingers in and out, not necessarily into fists, but as if all of my negative feelings are trying to escape through my hands. In my interactions with others I become snappy and rude, and when I interact with the one I’m jealous of, my passive-aggressiveness shines like a crude beacon to all.

So, even if jealousy can push us to strive for our goals, the collateral damage of ruined relationships, physical symptoms, and invasion of privacy is by no means worth it. If it gets to the point (which it often does) where others are starting to take notice of your lack of contentment, it’s time to take a step back and deal with the situation from neutral, level-headed ground.

So how do you deal with, or better yet, avoid jealousy altogether? I don’t claim to know what helps everyone, or even most people. I can only give you what helps me, and the most powerful tool in my personal arsenal is mindfulness. I talk up mindfulness like Billy Mays talked up OxiClean, but I do so because it works (the mindfulness, not the OxiClean. I dunno, I’ve never used OxiClean). In a nutshell, mindfulness is looking at situations not from a place of passionate, sometimes corrupting emotion, but instead with a clear head, only going back to revisit the situation in your mind once you’ve been able to interpret it from a level-headed perspective. By doing this, any overwhelming emotions that you felt during the moment in which the situation is happening have had time to die down, and as such, should no longer cloud your judgement or allow you to jump to conclusions based purely on the ferocity of your emotions. Instead of being the jury or executioner, being mindful is being the judge; looking at all sides of the situation and then coming to a conclusion, not the other way around. Keep in mind that being the judge and being judgmental are not the same thing.

It may also help you to avoid jealousy by simply telling yourself, “I’m not them.” Well, duh, you may say, but by admitting to yourself that different things happen to different people at different times at different points in their life, it’s easier to accept that not everything they have is something you should have, and vice versa. You’re different from them, and they you, and that’s how it should be.

As I stated earlier, I’ve been trying (and sometimes failing) to fend off jealousy myself for the past few weeks. For most, it isn’t easy, and even after writing this, I’m still probably going to go to work next week and feel, at the very least, a twang of jealousy. But, like a firefighter goes into a blaze with the correct tools to survive it, I feel that with the correct mental and emotional outlook, jealousy, like fire, can be overcome.

Stay strong.

–  Ryan

Some words of encouragement

I want you to know that you’re worth something.

I want you to realize that, whatever problems you may be dealing with, you are never alone.

I want you to understand that people, even those you may not realize or talk to every day, are here for you.

I want you to know that whatever may have happened yesterday, last month, last year, last decade, doesn’t affect how wonderful you can make the future.

I want you to realize that you can overcome anything that comes your way, no matter who or what tells you otherwise, including your own mind.

need you to understand that there are good people in this world, around every corner, who won’t judge you, or abuse you, or put you in a place you have no desire to be in.

need you to understand that you are stronger than any self-deprecating thought that crosses your mind.

I want you to know that I know being strong isn’t easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.

I want you to know that no outside opinion of you matters, only the light you view yourself in.

need you to know that people care. I need you to know that I care. He cares. She cares. They care.

I want you to know that there are people out there who, when they look at you, see the sun.

Stay strong.

– Ryan

“Why are you so sad?”

Spoiler alert: I’m depressed, and probably for no reason.

One seemingly surefire way of determining whether or not someone suffers from depression is to figure out the root of the depressive thoughts. While depression can most certainly be amplified in times of distress, very rarely does it come about solely from outside factors, like events or people. So, if you’re a psychiatrist who has someone walk up to you and say, “My wife of 17 years left me,” or “I didn’t get the position I interviewed for that I really wanted,” they’re probably down in the dumps (understandably). However, if they follow that up with, “I think I have depression,” that’s where the scrutiny comes in.

Again, when bad things happen, we oftentimes feel bad. It’s simply human nature to react accordingly to things that happen to or around us. But clinical depression doesn’t rely on outside events to rear its ugly head – it’s going to make itself known at even good points in your life.

I mentioned in a previous post that I was having a decent week, and that wasn’t a lie. It still isn’t – nothing traumatic or ridiculously bad has happened to me lately. But this past week, my depression has been overwhelming me to no end. I’m mopey, I’m pushy, I’m antisocial and bitter and honestly, straight up pissed sometimes. What am I pissed at? Nothing. Nothing at all. There’s just some seething rage permeating a hundred of my thoughts, but for no reason.

I was raised to never say “I hate [this],” unless I truly meant it. To this day, I still scarcely use the phrase, but I can say with full certainty that I hate this. I hate feeling this way, I hate that other people also feel this way, I hate that depressive thinking is brought on by absolutely nothing at all, with next to no warning signs as to when it’s going to strike.

I understand what it’s like when other people suffer from this, so I try to encourage people in their own battles against depression where and when I can. But even so, there are times when I break, and discouragement clouds my every thought.

I feel like breaking. And I feel like breaking only because my depression says I should, regardless of who’s out there looking out for me.

Try and stay strong.

  • Ryan

P.S. I know this post was a massive downer, and I’m sorry for that, it’s just that….bleeerrrggh. -_-

I hope you never understand, I hope you never forget

I don’t want you to understand what it’s like to be physically crippled by your own mind.

I don’t want you to understand what it’s like to wake up and not be able to get out of bed. Not because you physically can’t – your legs are working just fine. I don’t want you to understand what it’s like to not be able to move, simply because your own mind is preventing you from doing so. Glued to the bed, battling your own mind. Move your foot, take a step. Pick your head off the pillow. Get out of bed.

I don’t want you to understand what it feels like to nearly be overcome with anxiety just getting through your morning routine. I don’t want you to be filled with dread at the simple prospect of what the day might bring. Even if nothing has given any indication that the day ahead may bring bad things. The mere possibility that terrible things may happen can be enough to make you want to run and hide.

I don’t want you to understand the feeling that everyone in the world has it better than you. You obviously have it better than so many people, but it doesn’t matter, at least not to your mind. You can’t even pull yourself out of bed in the morning, remember?

I don’t want you to understand the feeling of a hopeless future leading nowhere.

I don’t want you to understand the feeling that the best place to spill your feelings is on a blog, because those people can’t see your face. They can’t judge a faceless writer, hundreds (or thousands) of miles away.

do want you to understand that it’s okay not to understand.

I do want you to understand that understanding isn’t necessary to support people, and love people, and have faith in people, even if those people don’t have faith in themselves.

I do want you to understand that nobody, mental health issues or not, can fix everything. I do want you to understand that nobody expects you to be able to, either.

I do want you to understand that everyone has their own stories and their own battles, regardless of whether they let other people actually see those things.

I do want you to understand that people shouldn’t expect to be loved by all, or worshiped, or the center of attention at all times. People just want to be accepted for who they are, not forced to change to suit society’s whims and expectations. In fact, I bet you already do understand that.

I don’t want you to understand my mind, just be content with that fact that you never will. I truly don’t want you to feel any of this for yourself. So just talk with me. Support me, if you can. Be there for me when I need you, and hell, even when I don’t need you to. I will do my best to be there for you. Protect me from my own mind, because ironically enough, that’s what I’m most afraid of.

I hope you find happiness to the best of your ability, and I hope that you wish the same for me. I hope you’re able to remember that you aren’t alone, you have people here for you, whether you realize it or not. I hope you understand that there are others who understand. I hope you understand that there are others who feel the same things you do, in good moments and in bad.

I hope you know that people care about you, and what happens to you, and your happiness. I hope you never forget that.

I hope you stay strong, regardless of what your own mind says to you, because you can overcome it.

  • Ryan

You’re good enough.

So my day is kind of crappy so far. My depression has decided to make itself front and center in my mind today, and I’m feeling it.

It’s trying to tell me that I’m not good enough. But I am. As are you.

So I’m taking a super short post to say just that – you’re good enough. Whether it’s another person or your own mind trying to tell you otherwise, the fact still stands that you’re deserving of happiness.

No matter what mistakes you made today, or yesterday, or last year, you’re deserving of contentment. Your life isn’t defined by the ‘whats’ or ‘whos,’ it’s defined by the ‘whys.’ Your intentions.

Even as I write this, my mind is screaming at me that I’m full of crap. But I know better. I’m worth something, and you’re worth a hell of a lot, too.

Stay strong.

  • Ryan

 

A quick thought…

Violence for its own sake is bad. Generally, leaders, be they of countries, federations, armies, etc., take steps to avoid violence against their own.

At what point in history did human society decide that the best way to counter violence is with violence? Fire with fire? If I punch you, your initial reaction may be to punch me back. Which in response causes me to hit you again, and the cycle repeats until there’s an all-out fistfight. If history and human nature has taught us anything, it’s that a violent act will often lead to a retaliation of violence.

Human society has been around for thousands of years. We’ve evolved, gotten smarter and wiser, so why haven’t a vast majority of us realized that violence in response to violence solves nothing? So many leaders are convinced that brute force is the answer to ending what plagues their people, and as such, they become so blinded that they don’t realize the problem lies more so in their own actions than those they are fighting against.

If I punch you, you should put up yours hands to defend yourself, absolutely. But instead of hitting back, figure out why I punched you. What caused it? How can we solve this problem without another punch to the face? With the least amount of collateral damage. Maybe you’re still a little sore (physically and mentally) from my punch, but we’re avoiding a lot of future soreness if we take a less physical approach to things. Right?

I’m not really sure what prompted this thought, honestly. The U.S. is pretty divided right now, between what approach we take to solve our problems. I hope we see that force isn’t always the answer.

  • Ryan